I've been feeling rather disconnected from society lately, which is why I think I've been watching so many documentaries. I'm trying to get a human connection while I sit at home alone during the day.
When I first became unemployed and had my severance package, I went shopping - a lot. Not necessarily to buy things, but just to be out and away so I didn't sit home crying. I was careless and spent a lot of evenings out with friends in Los Angeles, living it up and trying to think that nothing was wrong and that things would work themselves out. Gas and drinks adds up over time.
That was a year ago. I started to become more and more shut in as the months went by. I tried exercising at home, you know, because there was TIME now... I found that I hate working out. A lot. Especially alone. I longed for a dance class, but didn't want to spend the money, nor want to have to tell unemployment that I was taking community college courses for modern dance or jazz... pretty sure that wouldn't fly. Come to think of it... their education continuation specifications are kinda hard to understand. I should look into that again.
Anyway, I don't see my close friends as much (they are in LA or farther away, some as far as Canada). I don't go shopping except for groceries for my boyfriend and me, and those are modest at best. I stopped buying things on the internet - that's dangerous. I put on weight, even though I don't eat too much... pretty sure it's the sitting on my ass everyday. I became a vegetarian (too many food documentaries). I don't read as much as I used to or want to and I think it has a lot to do with the silence that comes with it. I don't like listening to music when I read, and in a home alone, silence can get to be a bit much.
I used to go to Starbucks once a week to do my job search to keep myself focused and have a fancy coffee... but that would become 2 coffees and maybe a rice crispy treat... it had to stop.
When I was a teenager, when I put my mind to something, I did it. And was successful. Now when I put my mind to something, all I see is imminent failure - and that is a behavioral matter that I know I need to work on. We are capable of what we allow ourselves, and when we close our own doors and windows, failure is stuck in the room with us. Air it out.
There have been little things that have helped me along and bring me out of the darkness once in a while. Friends that visit; being invited out for coffee; maybe the boyfriend takes me out to a nice dinner once in a while. He and I joined a co-ed community soccer league, which has been good at getting us outside during the day, but thats once a week and I really should be out walking everyday at least. It might be time to bust out my bike again.
Anyway, I don't know where I was going with all this... OH YES. Education. I got a call last week from a friend in San Fran and she was excited to tell me about these online college courses that she was doing. My first reaction was, I can't enroll in anything that isn't a certificate based program for job betterment (to my understanding). But this - this was Coursera.org . It's an online learning tool that utilizes professors from all over the world for online college level courses on more subjects than I expected. Anyway, I can't recommend it enough. I'm still in my first class, and even though I started a week late, I was able to catch up and only missed one quiz.
It was good to get my mind going again, to problem solve. I'm getting towards the end of my unemployment benefits and know that if I don't find something in my chosen field here soon, I'm going to be applying at Costco or something and that makes my head spin. But, maybe it's supposed to be this long. Maybe I'm supposed to persevere. I know I haven't been unemployed as long as others. I keep reading that the unemployment rate in California is going down, but all I read are more companies doing lay offs. Just 5 days ago, Google's Motorola program just let go 10% of their staff or 1,200 jobs, which was originally 20,000 employees when they acquired Motorola (though that was in Illinois).
Sometimes it all looks like hopeless darkness. We'll see. I keep pluggin' away, sending out resumes and cover letters. Something has to give, right?
Right?
~Loud-Mouthed Gal
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